Dear Sweetheart

Please just be a reader.

Talking to Boys

Are there any boys in my life?

No.

Why?

A variety of reasons.

Are there likely to be any?

Probably not, if I don't make changes.

Is it because I don't want a relationship?

A little bit.

You see, it's more because I didn't want a relationship. I avoided guys for a lot of years. Because I wasn't ready. Because they didn't like me. Because I was told not to look, just to wait for God. Because I don't like the drama of opposite sex relationships. Because I don't like being hit on.

Now I have bad habits. I stay home. I avoid eye contact. I barely talk to guys I like. I glare at guys I dislike. I focus on the relationships that have always mattered most -- female ones.

How much am I willing to change for a possibility that I'm not totally sure that I want, for a possibility that I'm sure I don't want to focus on?

ouch

A friend delivered her precious baby girl this week.
She was dead.
I feel like I should be impervious.
But I'm not.
It's horrible, and I'm grieving with the mom, even though we're not best friends.
This pebble of pain is unshakably lodged in my heart.
Ouch.

Dear Fellow Facebookers

Dear Fellow Facebookers,
I am not going to change my status to

a. My dog/child/husband/bf just did the cutest thing. He is the best ever!

b. If I had a boyfriend, I could have given up my identity apart from him and have used this space to bore you all with how wonderful he is.

OR
c. Could someone please post kissing pictures because those are the best?

But I really want to say these evil things.

Attention

I know my friends aren't perfect, but they are precious.
Treat them accordingly.

I say, "Those Darn Guys"

But the truth is that it's not always the guy's fault.

I hate that if a girl is interested in a guy at all, he trumps me. He gets all the attention, and I just have to wait. Sometimes for her to lose interest. Sometimes for him to break her heart so I can sweep up the pieces. I've been here for forever. I've always known that she's awesome, but he's a guy so he trumps me. Sometimes it hurts.

I hate how girls are so much fun when guys aren't around. When guys are around that changes, even if there isn't that fixation.

Or when a girl is dating and the guy she's with is gone, she's totally different and mopey. I'm not fun enough to enjoy? You've forgotten how to be happy by yourself in the two months that you've been dating?

And there's always the bad relationships, and the guys I want to kick. Only those are partly the girls fault too. Why do you let him get so close? If it hasn't worked before, why would it work now? Don't expect him to be something that he's proved he's not. If he fools you once, shame on him...

Also a friend got engaged this week. We're not really close, but I'm still weirded out. I'm not that jealous. I think it just feels weird to be left behind.

But I can't say that because some of my friends should be with the guys they're with, because I can't be there for them like their men can. And I can't say it because in some cases, it's too true.


I want to rail about how men ruin everything. I want to blame them. Only it's not always their fault. Maybe that's why it hurts so much.

wishing

I went hiking today with friends and had a marvelous time.
On the way home I found myself wishing and imagining that I had a husband or bf to share it all with.
Which is ridiculous!
I have friends that I did share it with. The scenery was so beautiful. It wouldn't be enhanced by anyone else; I would just be distracted.
God, help me.