Elegibility

One of the wonderful brain-whirling things about being this age is being eligible, knowing that the next person you meet could be Prince Charming, could be the biggest choice of your life. It's really quite thrilling and also much like watching executions on a movie--not something I can stomach looking at for long.

Every guy I meet could marry someone I know, or even myself. I don't like needing to answer the, "So...are there any guys in your life?" from my beloved friends and relatives. I don't really like that every time a random guy drives me to or from school, my dad pointedly shakes the poor sucker's hand, and my mom notes how tall he is.

I hate being "eligible" because I'm not myself and because I am.

Let me explain. I hate that I am myself: a very real, very averagely stupid girl. I notice guys (yes, mom, you were right). It scares me. It scares me that I notice them all, and have a running list of reasons why or why ot they all might work out. It scares me that I play the competition game, that somedays, I really do want the attention, resenting when others take it. I am real, vulnerable, and faced with this horrible reality of opposite sexes. I don't trust myself.

Yet it's hard to be myself. I don't like that when I dress up, it feels like it's to be noticed. I don't like that when I dress down, I feel like the dowdy old-maid. I don't like feeling like I am in a competition to be noticed. I don't like that I want attention. It scares me into being even more quiet. I am desperately afraid of losing or winning, so I try not to play, try not to show any more of the real me than is necessary.

Someday, I want to be myself again. Or I want to go back to being eight-years-old and teasing, kicking, and otherwise plaguing the boys I liked. I did like them--they were my friends.