Hurting

I'm hurting this morning. But I'm not worrried about myself. Somehow I'm better at handling that.

I'm worried about a friends and relatives. I woke up to a worried phone call from my mom this morning, and went to bed after, talking, crying, and praying with friends. I'm having trouble reacting to everything.

I have a lot of reactions that I know aren't good, such as:
1. Officially and purposely being mean to males from now on. Relationships are the pits. Worst case involves swearing and tears; best case involves change, major change. It's not their fault, but it would be easier if guys just didn't exist.

2. Staying hurt all day. Carrying it in my heart. Trying to fix it all myself.
I'm not God, and this doesn't work. Been there. Done that.

I know He's there. I trust Him. But I need to trust Him more.

Assumptions

I was riding with a guy that I don't know that well, but like, and one of my best friends. He was telling us about how this girl has been hurting him. The example that he gave was that someone told her she was doing something gross. He said that she could be doing something twice as gross and all would probably be fine.

The girl got mad and told him to stop being sarcastic. Only he wasn't being sarcastic; he was defending her. And he felt like she was treating him badly.

Hearing his story I feel bad for this guy. She wasn't right to treat him like that.

But I identify with her.

This guy is usually sarcastic, so that is what she sees and expects. I can see myself telling the guy to shut up, assuming he's being sarcastic, and never checking to see that he withstood my sharp words.

After all, if you're friends with someone, they know that you respect and care for them, right? Do you have to tiptoe around them? When I am friends with someone, I put down my guard. I don't pretend to be a nice, perfect person anymore. When I don't have my guard on, I don't carefully thing through every sentence. At this point, I assume that people know me well enough to identify the the million ways that I try to express my craziness about them, and to overlook the times that I am a jerk.

But you know what they say about assuming...

I feel like avoiding everyone who I think I could easily hurt. I feel like being angry with them for making big deals out of nothing. And I feel like I should be more careful, but I don't even know how.

challenge

Being home I realized: I am not going to marry those guys. Yes, I like both of them, but we don't work. We never have. Neither of them are a good possibility. So I need to stop thinking about them. Just stop.

Leaving me with no real possibilities.

Yes, I can conjure up fantasies about that one guy in that one group who I am slightly attracted to.

But why? Why do I need to fill in that blank?

It's hard not to, but I think it's something that God is asking me to try. Will I really be able to succeed? I don't know.

That's my challenge. No fantasies. I'm addicted, and I know I can't do this on my own. But I am going to see what God might do.

Reaction

I had a moment this week that I look back on and shake my head. I was a group of church friends. I mentioned that I would have coffee with another friend later that day. I was asked why the friend had skipped church, and answered that he had been up late.

"Tell him that he should be at church," said a friend.

"No," I said sharply. "I'm going to tell him something else, like that church is a pointless waste of time, and I support him skipping."

Why do people talk to me?

I didn't mean it, of course. He pushed a button. I have friends that I feel are not at church because they think people judge them and take attendance. I want my church to be a place where people are welcomed as they are. Sometimes that seems impossible.

My friend probably just meant that he missed the other guy.

I am worried about the choices the not-at-church friend is making. But I'm still ridiculously defensive on his behalf.

The key word being, "ridiculous."

Priceless are the people who really listen to you, even when that means ignoring your words.