Talking to Boys

Are there any boys in my life?

No.

Why?

A variety of reasons.

Are there likely to be any?

Probably not, if I don't make changes.

Is it because I don't want a relationship?

A little bit.

You see, it's more because I didn't want a relationship. I avoided guys for a lot of years. Because I wasn't ready. Because they didn't like me. Because I was told not to look, just to wait for God. Because I don't like the drama of opposite sex relationships. Because I don't like being hit on.

Now I have bad habits. I stay home. I avoid eye contact. I barely talk to guys I like. I glare at guys I dislike. I focus on the relationships that have always mattered most -- female ones.

How much am I willing to change for a possibility that I'm not totally sure that I want, for a possibility that I'm sure I don't want to focus on?

ouch

A friend delivered her precious baby girl this week.
She was dead.
I feel like I should be impervious.
But I'm not.
It's horrible, and I'm grieving with the mom, even though we're not best friends.
This pebble of pain is unshakably lodged in my heart.
Ouch.

Dear Fellow Facebookers

Dear Fellow Facebookers,
I am not going to change my status to

a. My dog/child/husband/bf just did the cutest thing. He is the best ever!

b. If I had a boyfriend, I could have given up my identity apart from him and have used this space to bore you all with how wonderful he is.

OR
c. Could someone please post kissing pictures because those are the best?

But I really want to say these evil things.

Attention

I know my friends aren't perfect, but they are precious.
Treat them accordingly.

I say, "Those Darn Guys"

But the truth is that it's not always the guy's fault.

I hate that if a girl is interested in a guy at all, he trumps me. He gets all the attention, and I just have to wait. Sometimes for her to lose interest. Sometimes for him to break her heart so I can sweep up the pieces. I've been here for forever. I've always known that she's awesome, but he's a guy so he trumps me. Sometimes it hurts.

I hate how girls are so much fun when guys aren't around. When guys are around that changes, even if there isn't that fixation.

Or when a girl is dating and the guy she's with is gone, she's totally different and mopey. I'm not fun enough to enjoy? You've forgotten how to be happy by yourself in the two months that you've been dating?

And there's always the bad relationships, and the guys I want to kick. Only those are partly the girls fault too. Why do you let him get so close? If it hasn't worked before, why would it work now? Don't expect him to be something that he's proved he's not. If he fools you once, shame on him...

Also a friend got engaged this week. We're not really close, but I'm still weirded out. I'm not that jealous. I think it just feels weird to be left behind.

But I can't say that because some of my friends should be with the guys they're with, because I can't be there for them like their men can. And I can't say it because in some cases, it's too true.


I want to rail about how men ruin everything. I want to blame them. Only it's not always their fault. Maybe that's why it hurts so much.

wishing

I went hiking today with friends and had a marvelous time.
On the way home I found myself wishing and imagining that I had a husband or bf to share it all with.
Which is ridiculous!
I have friends that I did share it with. The scenery was so beautiful. It wouldn't be enhanced by anyone else; I would just be distracted.
God, help me.

Hurting

I'm hurting this morning. But I'm not worrried about myself. Somehow I'm better at handling that.

I'm worried about a friends and relatives. I woke up to a worried phone call from my mom this morning, and went to bed after, talking, crying, and praying with friends. I'm having trouble reacting to everything.

I have a lot of reactions that I know aren't good, such as:
1. Officially and purposely being mean to males from now on. Relationships are the pits. Worst case involves swearing and tears; best case involves change, major change. It's not their fault, but it would be easier if guys just didn't exist.

2. Staying hurt all day. Carrying it in my heart. Trying to fix it all myself.
I'm not God, and this doesn't work. Been there. Done that.

I know He's there. I trust Him. But I need to trust Him more.

Assumptions

I was riding with a guy that I don't know that well, but like, and one of my best friends. He was telling us about how this girl has been hurting him. The example that he gave was that someone told her she was doing something gross. He said that she could be doing something twice as gross and all would probably be fine.

The girl got mad and told him to stop being sarcastic. Only he wasn't being sarcastic; he was defending her. And he felt like she was treating him badly.

Hearing his story I feel bad for this guy. She wasn't right to treat him like that.

But I identify with her.

This guy is usually sarcastic, so that is what she sees and expects. I can see myself telling the guy to shut up, assuming he's being sarcastic, and never checking to see that he withstood my sharp words.

After all, if you're friends with someone, they know that you respect and care for them, right? Do you have to tiptoe around them? When I am friends with someone, I put down my guard. I don't pretend to be a nice, perfect person anymore. When I don't have my guard on, I don't carefully thing through every sentence. At this point, I assume that people know me well enough to identify the the million ways that I try to express my craziness about them, and to overlook the times that I am a jerk.

But you know what they say about assuming...

I feel like avoiding everyone who I think I could easily hurt. I feel like being angry with them for making big deals out of nothing. And I feel like I should be more careful, but I don't even know how.

challenge

Being home I realized: I am not going to marry those guys. Yes, I like both of them, but we don't work. We never have. Neither of them are a good possibility. So I need to stop thinking about them. Just stop.

Leaving me with no real possibilities.

Yes, I can conjure up fantasies about that one guy in that one group who I am slightly attracted to.

But why? Why do I need to fill in that blank?

It's hard not to, but I think it's something that God is asking me to try. Will I really be able to succeed? I don't know.

That's my challenge. No fantasies. I'm addicted, and I know I can't do this on my own. But I am going to see what God might do.

Reaction

I had a moment this week that I look back on and shake my head. I was a group of church friends. I mentioned that I would have coffee with another friend later that day. I was asked why the friend had skipped church, and answered that he had been up late.

"Tell him that he should be at church," said a friend.

"No," I said sharply. "I'm going to tell him something else, like that church is a pointless waste of time, and I support him skipping."

Why do people talk to me?

I didn't mean it, of course. He pushed a button. I have friends that I feel are not at church because they think people judge them and take attendance. I want my church to be a place where people are welcomed as they are. Sometimes that seems impossible.

My friend probably just meant that he missed the other guy.

I am worried about the choices the not-at-church friend is making. But I'm still ridiculously defensive on his behalf.

The key word being, "ridiculous."

Priceless are the people who really listen to you, even when that means ignoring your words.